Dogs vs. Holiday Meals: Fa-La-La-La-Laaa, La, Aach! Haauk! Blaarf!
In this festive season of holiday parties, bountiful meals, and homemade cookies embellished with those silver ball-bearing things, take comfort knowing that your canines are in the dog park, plotting.
ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “OK, everyone! Finish up at the water bowl and let’s start this meeting.”
DACHSHUND: (Quietly to others) “He’s such a herder!”
ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “What’s that now?”
DACHSHUND: “I said we heard you!”
ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “Is everyone here? Where’s Roxy the Boxer?
BEAGLE: “Remember? After his disagreement with Giant Police at the playground, he moved to a farm. In a black van. With bars.”
ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “Well, now he can run and run all day.”
DACHSHUND: (Quietly to others) “Pretty sure they killed him!”
LABRADOR RETRIEVER: “Can we move this along? I’ve things to fetch!”
ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “Does anyone know what Special Season this is?”
None respond. Many tilt heads.
FRENCH BULLDOG: “Flea and tick?”
ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “No, it’s that time of year when Giant families and Giant friends gather in great packs to laugh and hug and sing and tell stories. And do you know why?”
SAINT BERNARD: “Tell it, Rev!”
ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “I’ve no idea! But there’s a lot of food and a lot of distraction. That means opportunities. So let’s share tactics. Big dogs! What’cha got?”
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: “Even when the tables are full of food, I sit by my Giant and patiently await instructions.”
All groan in unison.
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: “Uh…sometimes I’ll ask for a small treat. But only if I’ve saved someone from a burning house or located a missing child.”
PUG: (Sneering) “Therapy dog!”
ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “None of that, now! (To Golden) Anything…useful?”
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: (Quietly) “Sometimes…sometimes I ‘accidently’ tip the garbage can and nose through it.”
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: “Then I bark and blame raccoons!”
ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “That’s a good one! Anybody else?”
MINIATURE SCHNAUZER: “Everybody know about pockets? Amazing what Giants keep in those things. Once I found a chicken leg just like one my Giant took away earlier.”
BRISBY THE SCHNOODLE: “What happened to the rest of the chicken?”
MINIATURE SCHNAUZER: “No one knows.”
BRISBY THE SCHNOODLE: “I’m so hungry!”
ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “Small dogs! You add a unique perspective. Any party hints for us?”
COCKER SPANIEL: “Keep near the Giant Toddler. They’re, like, made out of food!”
SHIH TZU: “Salmon comes in many shapes. Stay focused!”
MALTESE: “ʻCharcuterie’ isn’t as dangerous as it sounds!”
BUDLEIGH THE TERRIER: “I climb on the table and shove my head in the casserole.”
ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “Really? Where’d you learn that?”
BUDLEIGH THE TERRIER: “Roxy the Boxer.”
ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “Hmmmm… Don’t think I want to end up on Roxy’s farm.”
DACHSHUND: “He’s deee-ead! Hellooo!”
ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “Great tips everyone! Now, before we adjourn for a pee, let’s all remind ourselves of foods to avoid at the holiday tables. Say it with me: ‘For grapes and raisins…’ C’mon! ‘For grapes and raisins—’”
DOGS: (In unison) “—Curb your cravins’.”
ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “Onions and bread dough—”
DOGS: “‘Warning! Go slow!”.
ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “—And nix to chocolate…C’mon! ‘And nix to chocolate—ʼ”
DOGS: “—because it contains theobromine, a toxic component difficult for canine systems to properly metabolize!”
ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “Good dogs!”
Sleeping between Giants welcomes your comments. Probably….