Ask a Terrier: The Truth Ain’t Out There!
So, like, UFOs? Does this new Pentagon declassified report on unidentified flying objects reveal any threats to Dillie, my Greyhound? I’ve watched “Alien” like a dozen times, so you can be straight with me. Is Dillie in danger?
Oh, and Humanity?
Eyes on the Skies in Michigan. And Dillie!
Dear Eyes and Dillie,
I was eager to scrutinize this long-anticipated, highly technical report on Unidentified Aerial Phenomena. My initial impressions were that it was written on paper that shredded easily but was very chewy.
For a deeper dive, I had my unpaid intern Per Se actually read the nine-page report, which he did with a speed and professionalism borne of having thumbs. In his PowerPoint, Per Se outlined the report’s conclusions: the U.S. government doesn’t know what these UFOs are or if they’re extraterrestrial.
Also, why the report is so chewy.
Such dubious results will disappoint UFO and alien spacecraft enthusiasts, many of whom consider “Independence Day” a documentary.
“In a universe so big, so grand,” they ask, “why couldn’t other intelligent life exist? Also, where’s the remote and are we out of Doritos?”
All reasonable questions. Yet so typically Giant-centric! They fail to focus on the main issue. If it’s difficult for Giants, with all their Science and PowerPoints and chewy paper, to identify objects in the sky, imagine how much more baffling for Canines. We barely recognize the stuff we eat off the floor.
Investigators were unable to explain more than 140 cases of Unidentified Flying Objects (acronym: “UFO”) or Unidentified Aerial Phenomena (also “UFO”). Yet many encounters were reported by Naval aviators who have excellent vision, although a sadly inferior sense of smell.
While the report has created a stir among Giants, in dog parks across the nation Canines are abuzz with speculative concern:
GERMAN SCHNAUZER: “Look! I’m just saying that if they’re not aliens and they’re not foreign military, how do we know they’re not squirrels?”
PUG: “Squirrels climb trees. They can’t fly. Can they?”
GERMAN SCHNAUZER: “Who knows what they’re doing up there?”
CHOCOLATE LABRADOR: “I’ve heard they store stuff. And that they’re nuts!”
PUG: “No, no, no! They store…nuts. That’s all one thing.”
BERNESE MOUNTAIN DOG: “You know where I’d store ‘em? Caves! Say, guess where you find caves!”
PUG: “We are not going there!”
BERNESE MOUNTAIN DOG: (Snarling) “Your face is squished! And your coat is rough! Everybody says so.”
BUDLEIGH: “Stay focused, everyone. We’re discussing UFOs. Has anyone actually seen one?”
Much head turning and ear scratching. Bernese Mountain Dog leaps to feet.
BUDLEIGH: “—that wasn’t in a cave?”
Bernese Mountain Dog lies down, dejected.
BUDLEIGH: “C’mon, guys! Any sightings of the weird? The inexplicable? The eerie?”
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: “Well…there was that van that took Roxy the Boxer.”
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: “Before your time. Roxy had…issues.”
PIT BULL: “Society had the issues!”
PUG: “What sort of issues?”
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: “He could be…argumentative.”
PUG: “With dogs?”
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: “Dogs, yes…yes…”
CHOCOLATE LAB: “—and Giants!”
STANDARD POODLE: “—also children!”
YORKSHIRE TERRIER: “—ice cream truck drivers!”
YELLOW LAB: “—anyone wearing yellow.”
DALMATION: “Or patterns.”
ROTTWEILLER: “—loud, piercing sounds and flashing lights.”
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: “One day, Roxy got in a disagreement with some school children. Actually, a busload of children.”
BEAGLE: “—then a firefighter.”
DALMATION: “—and several police officers.”
YORKSHIRE TERRIER: “—from nearby towns.”
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: “That’s when a strange, featureless van appeared. And Roxy was mysteriously transported inside.”
ROTTWEILLER: “More like forced. With ropes.”
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: “Then the doors closed and the vehicle zoomed away, silently into the darkness.”
PIT BULL: “Well, except for the loud, piercing siren and flashing lights.”
ROTTWEILER “Yikes! Roxy wouldn’t have liked that!”
PUG: “Where did Roxy go?”
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: “Probably back to his home world.”
ROTTWEILER: “Or to a really, really nice farm!”