Oh, Great…Another New Collar

Dear Mr. Budleigh,

For a Christmas stocking stuffer, I’m thinking of buying a new collar. Any advice?

Carrie, South Bend, Indiana

Budleigh
Budleigh
Friday, December 2, 2016

Dear Ms Bend-Indiana,

Is the collar for you or a dog? That’s not clear. If it’s for a dog, then yes, I can advise. If it’s for you, seek professional help immediately! But I’m guessing it’s for a dog, right?

Giants love to buy collars for their dogs, especially during the holidays. I heard that in the weekend following Thanksgimme Day, more than 154 million Giants went shopping. I don’t know if they all got me new collars or just chipped in for one really, really nice one. But I wish they’d asked me first. I don’t want a new collar. No dogs do.

Sorry I said “dog do”, but this issue is that important.

First, I know I speak for all dogs – especially the ones that are afraid of terriers – in discouraging Giants from arbitrarily “upgrading” collars. My Giants are always discussing upgrades. Things like Wi-Fi connectivity, battery life, apps. I don’t know if my collar has those things, but it would explain the jingling.

Frankly, dogs are not impressed with upgrades they can’t chew. If a collar isn’t in need of repair, why replace it? Me? I believe in following that old canine adage; “If it ain’t broke, I haven’t gotten to it yet.”

My newest collar! Or it might have been before I inadvertently pulled it from the shopping bag inside the canvas bag tucked under the Giant’s purse on the kitchen table. Well, accidents happen.
My newest collar! Or it might have been before I inadvertently pulled it from the shopping bag inside the canvas bag tucked under the Giant’s purse on the kitchen table. Well, accidents happen.

Second, Giants believe new collars make dogs “cute.” Look, I gotta trust ‘em on that one. I can’t see my collar. I’m not even convinced it exists! My Giants have tried to show me in the big mirror, but I’m just too distracted by that weird dog they keep inside there. The one that moves exactly like me. Brrrrr! Creepy!

So, who am I to judge? Sure, everyone agrees that I’m cute. But is “cute” all a dog should strive for? What about “loyal”? OK, that one’s a given. I mean, we’re dogs. Still, there’s “charming”, “intelligent”, “fearless”. Collars need to build a dog’s reputation. We all can’t be Golden Retrievers. Jeez, they’re insufferable! Why do they even have collars?

Choose a collar that helps a dog make a bold, defining statement: “I hardly ever eat poop!”; “This kitchen floor is mine!”; “Golden Retrievers are insufferable!”

But please, stick with collars. No one wants another “plaid coat” fiasco. Couldn’t shred that blunder fast enough!

Third – and we’re at third, aren’t we? I don’t do that counting thing. – Third, don’t bother gift wrapping a collar. Or anything. Ever! That only disappoints Giants and puzzles dogs. More thoughtful would be to shove a gift in the garbage, then let us nose around ‘til we find it. Or a turkey carcass. Either is appreciated.

Look, you’re our Giants. Any gift from you – a new collar, bacon treats, even a bully stick (You know that’s a bull’s penis, right? Just want to be clear.) – will make us happy.

Especially a chipmunk!

Budleigh

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *