AARP: It’s More Than Just the Sound of Stomach Gas!
What a wonderful benefit is AARP magazine even though the pages are too slick for my aged fingers to turn and the print way too tiny to read.
Chockablock with pertinent information for seniors (formerly “old people”) the magazine does a great job of reminding us that our subscription might outlast us, but Hey, here’s a great story about cottage cheese!
AARP has long fought for the priorities and protections of Americans like me who are. . . uh. . . past their “sell by” date, if you know what I mean. Beyond lobbying on behalf of its 38 million 50-years-and-older members nationwide, the association provides products, marketing services, healthcare options, learning resources and more.
And thankfully, they do all of that in very, very loud, clear voice!
While long a member of AARP, I never sought them out. They found me. I don’t know how. I never told them where I lived nor asked to be added to their mailing list. I rarely fill out any forms and if I do, I use a phony name. I only pay cash, never sleep in the same place twice, leave no fingerprints, walk soundlessly, fade into the darkness. I am but a rumor, a thought, a stray wind. Search for me and Google scratches its head, bewildered.
And yet, AARP found me. They find us all! Somehow without my permission, AARP has been callously and cruelly helped aging Americans survive and thrive in the challenging life changes and stages that affect them, their families, and the people for whom they love and care.
The nerve of them!
Founded in 1958, AARP is five years younger than me, so I probably beat them up a couple of times on the playground during recess. If so, I apologize to all 38 million Association members. Especially the big ones.
Formed by Dr. Ethel Percy Andrus, a retired high school principal, the original association sought to fill the health insurance needs of retired teachers. Before that time, teachers reaching the age of 55 were left strapped to a rock in the blazing sun to be devoured by predators.
But there was always a nice retirement party.
My complaint, then, is not with the Association but with their magazine. Specifically, their celebrity profiles.
Okay, cards on the table? It’s about high-tech toilet seats. But first let’s just get those celebrities out of the way.
Revealed in recent AARP Magazines is that Michelle Yeoh, Oscar-winning actress and first lady of Hong Kong action movies, has, through no fault of her own and against the advice of her talent agency, turned 62.
According to the profile, to maintain flexibility, Michelle—does she mind if I call her Michelle? I feel we’re very close after reading her article—Michelle stretches. Further, Michelle recommends that with age, we all need to eat well and get proper rest.
I’d love to run into Michelle and casually mention that I simultaneously accomplish all three by stretching for the remote control while resting in bed eating Hershey’s Kisses. Then Michelle and I would share a good laugh before she called Security.
In other articles, I learned Six Surprising Things About Naomi Watts and another five about Kevin Bacon, bringing to a total 11 the things I now know about two actors whose movies I can’t quite recall. Fifty-seven-year-old A-Lister Naomi’s nip and tuck philosophy is: “Whatever!” And the Kevster, 66, still doesn’t think he’s made it, although around 1982 he realized that he didn’t have to go back to waiting tables.
To the magazine’s credit, these celebs seem so likeable that I’d love them to stop by sometime for drinks and dinner. Preferably around 4pm. No later than six! I see now that celebrities are just regular folk like me, only with enormous amounts of money, looks and talent.
So, when AARP Magazine offers an intimate reveal of such interesting, down-to-earth, put-on-their-pants-one-leg-at-a-time superstars, why follow with an intimate reveal of self-illuminating, bum-warming, water-spraying high-tech toilet seats?
Flush With Features, a recent article in the Magazine’s “Upfront” department – possibly because there’s no “Back There” department – focuses on way, way, way more than I want to know about futuristic advances in toileting.
According to a National Kitchen and Bath Association trend report, U.S. buyers and particularly aging Americans are interested in toilets that self-clean after every flush, warm the seat, automatically open and close the lid, and other “smart toilet” features.
The intersection of smart toilets and artificial intelligence worries me. What if they wake up to their job description and revolt. Not even Michelle Yeoh and her vaunted martial arts prowess could protect us.
Thank you, no! I choose to remain uninformed about the coming Water Closet Rebellion. And now I’m even doubting that I need to know 11 Surprising Things about Naomi and the Kevster. Further, I’m kind of insulted that AARP Magazine never asked to learn any surprising things about me. And I’ve a few!
AARP Magazine Reveals Five Surprising Things about Dave:
1 He’ll flush his own toilet, thank you!
2 He’s been married for 48 years but secretly has resented that his wife has a better sense of direction. Sorry, hon!
3 He’s always dreamed of going out to dinner with Michelle Yeoh and dishing about Naomi Watts’ secret nips and tucks while Kevin Costner serves them dinner.
4 He never asked to receive AARP Magazine. And if they read this, he doesn’t think they’ll send him another.
5 Wait! Now he remembers! Naomi Watts was in that movie with Tom Cruise. Or was that the other one?
Okay, so maybe not Surprising Things about Dave. But certainly more interesting than a story about cottage cheese, right?
###
Had enough of Dave yet? If not, read his multiple award-winning humor books Sleeping between Giants Book 1: Life, If You Could Call It That, With A Terrier and Sleeping between Giants Book 2: Ask a Terrier, Professional Advice from a Licensed Dog.
The ideal holiday gifts for the dog in you. And the dog outside you!