Avocados and Butterfingers


No nutritional plan is complete that doesn’t include avocados and Butterfingers. The first is proven Science; the second, what I really, really want to believe!

Nutrition is one of the most important building blocks of a healthy lifestyle, just behind exercise, which we skipped today, and reducing stress, which is our constant worry. So, with those two out of the picture, Nutrition roars into the Number One pole position.

You go, Nutrition!

But what is proper nutrition? Where do you get it? How do you use it? And was it ever featured in an entertaining Schoolhouse Rock cartoon where Nutrition meets a Congressional bill on its way to becoming a law?

For reliable, sensible, and impartial information on nutrition, we have but to seek help from – heh! – help from – heh-heh hah-ha! – seek help from – ha ha Ha HAA! – the US Government!

BWAAA Hahahahahaha!! (Cackle! Gasp! Choke!)

Sorry! I can never keep a straight face!

In fact, there is much useful knowledge to be gleaned from the Nutrition.gov website, which receives content guidance from scientific experts in food and nutrition who, through no fault of their own, work at USDA and the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.


Summarizing the website’s approximately 452 gakrillion pages of content: nutritional foods are the same ones that we learned in third grade from Highlights Magazine

GOOFUS: “Mmmmm! Gimme the mashed potatoes with extra butter and gravy, and three rolls, and some more gravy! Oh, and a glass of sugary soda pop with heavy cream and gravy!

GALLANT: “Please may I have a reasonable serving of the fish and the brussel sprouts. Also, a glass of low-fat, pasture-raised, fresh milk? Please, and also thank you!”

GOOFUS: “You gonna eat that Butterfinger?”

Listed below are the core elements of a healthy diet, according to the US government nutrition website, confirmed by Mrs. Resnick, my third-grade teacher at Braeside Elementary, and annotated by me to provide a lack of clarity:

• “Fruits, especially the whole fruit” (“And nothing but the fruit, so help me God!”: when fruits give sworn testimony!)

• “Vegetables of all types—dark green; red and orange; beans, peas, and lentils; starchy; and other vegetables.” (Yeah, yeah, yeah! Nothing to see here, folks! Move along! Move along!)

• “Grains, at least half of which are whole grain.” (The other half being “divided grains” that can’t even agree on a stopgap spending bill to prevent a government shutdown.)

• “Protein foods, including lean meats, poultry, and eggs; seafood; beans, peas, and lentils; and nuts, seeds, and soy products.” (Sooooo, like, everything then?)

• “Dairy, including fat-free or low-fat milk, yogurt, and cheese, and/or lactose-free versions and fortified soy beverages and yogurt as alternatives.” (Wait! Cows are ‘Dairy.’ But they’re also made out of meat, a ‘Protein?’ I . . . I’m so confused! And frightened!)

• “Oils, including vegetable oils and oils in food, such as seafood, nuts.” (Also in car engines, electrical transformers, hair products, Vasoline, squeaky door hinges, and paint.)

Butterfingers did not make the cut, despite my political clout and pressure from the powerful and politically influential corporate entities known as “Big Halloween.”

However, the list includes the avocado, Nature’s cockiest fruit.

High in key nutrients, including healthy fats and fiber, anti-inflammatory and antioxidant compounds, and numerous vitamins with one-letter names, avocados have become as popular as a high school prom king.

I have issues with them. Avocados, not prom kings.

In one of my most recent Wiley Coyote This-Plan-Can’t-Possibly-Fail schemes, I split open an avocado that wasn’t ripe.

A word about avocados: they are ripe for six minutes. No more, no less! No one can predict when they’ll ripen. Oh, you can tell when they’re not or when it’s too late. But sometime at a peaceful 3am, you’ll awaken to a distant, urgent cry of, “NOW!” from your kitchen. The call of a ripe avocado.

You have six minutes.

Because I rarely listen to my fruit or vegetables and I really wanted an avocado, I slit open this one with the casual capriciousness of teenage prom king. It wasn’t ripe.

“Told you!” it sneered.

Now comes the Road Runner cartoon.

“Hmmmm,” I mused while stroking my coyote chin stubble and sharp canines, “If I cut it open and it’s not ripe, then if I put it back together it will GET ripe.”

As I had no dynamite, I slapped together the halves, sealed them with a rubber band, crammed the whole thing in the fridge, slammed the door and ran away.

The Evidence!


But . . . I’m married.

“What’s this?” asked Denise, tears leaking from her eyes, lower lip clenched in a death bite so as not to laugh aloud. She was holding this avocado, which was pointing at me, sneering “j’accuse!”

I shrugged, defeated.

“We were all out of dynamite.”


3 thoughts on “Avocados and Butterfingers

  1. Hilarious and yet full of useful dietary information (if you know where to look). Good stuff, Dave. I mean the writing as well as the info. Now excuse me, as I go to the store for some Butterfingers.

    1. Thanks so much, Denise! However, this legal disclaimer: “Any information in this column that is accurate, beneficial, useful, or informative is purely coincidental.” Oh, and are you gonna finish those Butterfingers? dj

  2. Hi Dave, great article! My fave is the”dairy” very educational and full of humor as usual! Loved it and love butterfingers as well! Gilbert

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