Dogs vs. Holiday Meals: Fa-La-La-La-Laaa, La, Aach! Haauk! Blaarf!

In this festive season of holiday parties, bountiful meals, and homemade cookies embellished with those silver ball-bearing things, take comfort knowing that your canines are in the dog park, plotting.

ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “OK, everyone! Finish up at the water bowl and let’s start this meeting.”

DACHSHUND: (Quietly to others) “He’s such a herder!”

ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “What’s that now?”

DACHSHUND: “I said we heard you!”

ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “Is everyone here? Where’s Roxy the Boxer?

BEAGLE: “Remember? After his disagreement with Giant Police at the playground, he moved to a farm. In a black van. With bars.”

ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “Well, now he can run and run all day.”

DACHSHUND: (Quietly to others) “Pretty sure they killed him!”

LABRADOR RETRIEVER: “Can we move this along? I’ve things to fetch!”

ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “Does anyone know what Special Season this is?”

None respond. Many tilt heads.

FRENCH BULLDOG: “Flea and tick?”

ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “No, it’s that time of year when Giant families and Giant friends gather in great packs to laugh and hug and sing and tell stories. And do you know why?”

SAINT BERNARD: “Tell it, Rev!”

ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “I’ve no idea! But there’s a lot of food and a lot of distraction. That means opportunities. So let’s share tactics. Big dogs! What’cha got?”

<strong>Certain traditional holiday foods might be too tempting to dogs. And hunters.</strong>
Certain traditional holiday foods might be too tempting to dogs. And hunters.
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: “Even when the tables are full of food, I sit by my Giant and patiently await instructions.”

All groan in unison.

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: “Uh…sometimes I’ll ask for a small treat. But only if I’ve saved someone from a burning house or located a missing child.”

PUG: (Sneering) “Therapy dog!”

ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “None of that, now! (To Golden) Anything…useful?”

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: (Quietly) “Sometimes…sometimes I ‘accidently’ tip the garbage can and nose through it.”

Encouraging howls!

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: “Then I bark and blame raccoons!”

ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “That’s a good one! Anybody else?”

MINIATURE SCHNAUZER: “Everybody know about pockets? Amazing what Giants keep in those things. Once I found a chicken leg just like one my Giant took away earlier.”

BRISBY THE SCHNOODLE: “What happened to the rest of the chicken?”

MINIATURE SCHNAUZER: “No one knows.”

BRISBY THE SCHNOODLE: “I’m so hungry!”

ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “Small dogs! You add a unique perspective. Any party hints for us?”

COCKER SPANIEL: “Keep near the Giant Toddler. They’re, like, made out of food!”

SHIH TZU: “Salmon comes in many shapes. Stay focused!”

MALTESE: “ʻCharcuterie’ isn’t as dangerous as it sounds!”

BUDLEIGH THE TERRIER: “I climb on the table and shove my head in the casserole.”

ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “Really? Where’d you learn that?”

BUDLEIGH THE TERRIER: “Roxy the Boxer.”

ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “Hmmmm… Don’t think I want to end up on Roxy’s farm.”

DACHSHUND: “He’s deee-ead! Hellooo!”

ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “Great tips everyone! Now, before we adjourn for a pee, let’s all remind ourselves of foods to avoid at the holiday tables. Say it with me: ‘For grapes and raisins…’ C’mon! ‘For grapes and raisins—’”

DOGS: (In unison) “—Curb your cravins’.”

ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “Onions and bread dough—”

DOGS: “‘Warning! Go slow!”.

ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “—And nix to chocolate…C’mon! ‘And nix to chocolate—ʼ”

DOGS: “—because it contains theobromine, a toxic component difficult for canine systems to properly metabolize!”

ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: “Good dogs!”

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Sleeping between Giants welcomes your comments. Probably….

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11 thoughts on “Dogs vs. Holiday Meals: Fa-La-La-La-Laaa, La, Aach! Haauk! Blaarf!

    1. Disturbing, Yellow Snow Dog. That’s the same kind of mind control the Soviets experimented with during the Cold War which, of course, led to the creation of Twitter. dj

  1. This is so much better than the movie I saw this weekend. Lucky there was a Bears game the day after the movie to help cleanse my brain.

    1. Glad to help, unidentified person. Sleeping between Giants endeavors to be both educational (see reference to chocolate) and entertaining (see everything else.) dj

  2. Thank goodness my dog Harper was “socially promoted” at dog school or he’d be reading this faster than I could minimize it. And moving his lips less than I do. BTW, who was the plant that infiltrated the meet-up and squealed on them? Thank him/her for great service in helping the Giants keep the upper (gravy-smeared) hand this eating season.

    1. Thanks, Lee! I’m so proud and jealous of Harper. I’ve not yet written about the dog school experiences of Brisby, Nature’s Perfect Schnoodle, and Budleigh, the Terrier Thing. Painful memories. Painful! Brisby never progressed beyond “Paw!” It’s his only trick. He lifts his paw to anyone who speaks in a commanding voice. Children. Neighbors. Anderson Cooper, especially on election night. Budleigh was asked to drop out. Military service was implied. And not our military. dj

  3. 💕Schnapps the Schnauzer says:

    What I want to know is, where is Roxy the boxer today? Should I call the dog police? Also Sheldon sheepdog IS a herder! Also guys, don’t eat candy canes cause your poop will be red stripes!😱🐶

    Thanks for all the good holiday advice.

  4. “I climb on the table and shove my head in the casserole.” Roxy the Boxer is taking credit for teaching the dogs something that I’ve been doing for decades. May your pockets be full of chicken legs this holiday season, Dave!

    1. Thanks, Molly! And sadly, I’ve had dinner with you so….I know.

      A happy, healthy, and writingful 2019 to you. And best to your kith and kin. Not sure what those are, but be careful. They sound like they have sharp edges. dj

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